The dream I had:
I had a medium size box I was carrying that contained things that mattered to me: phone, money, and a bunch of other things, I cannot remember what those items are. I had about fifteen grand in various envelopes and I was taking this box along for my journey. Well, the tidy box began to come apart and I was losing some of the stuff. I asked others to help me watch my box, but nobody was helping other than to notice that it was coming apart and things were starting to fall out of it. And then when I wasn’t looking, someone came along and stole everything except my phone.
So I’m thinking this box represents what I value in this life, and well to lose it all except a way to communicate with others? Well, I’m processing that little detail since the phone that got left behind was an ancient one, kind of like the first tank of a cell phone ever created. I remember being distressed that everything else was gone, disappointed that I could not trust others, and then finally accepting that I’d lost everything. I think if I could come up with one word of how I felt in the end of this dream, it would have to be “Resigned”.
I am reading what I wrote about this morning, and I’m pondering over the word, ‘resigned’ and thinking about the conversation I had with one of the nurses yesterday. I’ve got a heart condition that is going to require major surgery to repair, one that was diagnosed last year, but has since gotten much worse.
All this time I’ve been flipflopping between denial and mourning my heart condition. I’ve wondered if someone mixed up the tests and the ones they are reading are of someone else’s heart, and I’ve wondered if I’ll survive the surgery, which is now two weeks from today.
So ‘resigned’.
Hmmm.
Have I truly let go of the idea that it may not be my heart they are saying is so badly damaged now that surgery must be immediate?
And here’s another thing. How does one process this life-saving/threatening, event?
I’ve had to be talked down out of the tree so many times since I heard “….severe…”, that I’m sure people are tired of listening to my “what if’s”, so today I’m focusing on the things I CAN do something about – routine things that will take my mind off of my ‘broken’ heart.
Out for now, coffee in hand, ready to tackle the next chapter of the love story I’m writing and to post another of my short stories here. All other thoughts will need to take a back burner.
Leave a comment