Before I met Hubbin, I was part of the online dating world. This post, though lengthy, is about a particular guy I ‘met’ who might have been on his way to getting me locked up, simply because I wanted to believe the lies.
I shouldn’t have clicked on his profile.
I had subscribed to multiple dating websites, convinced that meeting someone the old-fashioned way was not practical to the single, modern, working woman. I had been divorced for about ten years and had run out of excuses not to date. My youngest had turned eighteen and was moving on with his life, so my reasons for staying in a single, unattached status no longer held water.
On each dating site, I created a profile that answered questions about my age, interests, education, and what I did for a livelihood. Being honest seemed to be the best policy; after all, I had nothing to hide, right? I had read about women who used photos of themselves twenty to fifty pounds lighter, ten plus years younger, or had the nerve to use profile photos that weren’t even of themselves. A relationship built on a lie would soon be discovered, so I figured truth was a critical factor in building a self portrait. I put in my actual age, a fifty-something divorced woman. I added a bit about liking it when a man took charge, being a girly-girl and loving my dresses and heels. I championed coming to the aid of senior citizens, children, and animals, into the “more about me…” sections.
Yes, I even threw in the part about enjoying walks on the beach and ‘must love dogs’ moments too. I created this similar profile on several supposedly reputable dating websites and when time permitted, I would log in to each one to see if anyone caught my eye, shown interest by perusing my profile, or actually tried to make contact with me by sending a flirt or email.
What happened when I clicked on Gene’s profile is that the dating website automatically generated a “She’s interested in you” notification on Gene’s profile page. And so it began.
Within hours Gene sent me a flirt and when I responded positively, he sent me an email, of course through the app. I didn’t believe myself as that naive to take it offline yet.
He seemed to have the top ten overall qualities I looked for in a man, both physically and mentally. My profile stated that I sought someone with a sense of humor, taller than I, about my age, close to family, and as a bonus, even had two of the breed of dogs I liked. I thought we hit it off immediately and he shared my sentiment.
I lived in Nevada, but he lived in New York City and had a three-story condominium in a reputable side of downtown. He passionately described his home in loving detail. He told me how he had it decorated and how it had increased in value over the years. He also told me that he traveled extensively for his job and assured me that distance was not a problem or issue for him. He worked for an international pharmaceutical corporation that had offices around the world, and he was scheduled to take a trip out west to San Francisco in a couple weeks.
One night as we talked; he made reservations with a local hotel in my town so that we could get our first meet-and-greet out of the way after he finished up his San Francisco business. As we discussed the weekend’s plans, the butterflies I had been feeling slowly went away. He reassured me time and again that he was for real. He was eager to see my corner of the world and to show me his. He convinced me that even though we lived on almost opposite ends of the continent, it was manageable. I guess I wanted to hear that. I squelched to little bell that popped up and began ringing in my head.
We were on the phone with each other or texting constantly. He wanted to know what I was doing, how I spent my time off from work, what I was cooking for dinner. He in turn shared his evenings with me and would call me between meetings. The three hour time difference didn’t seem to be a problem at all. We shared stories about our families. He was really close to his sister and her husband who lived in Europe and told me he visited them every time his company sent him overseas. I told him about my kids, how I lost my mom, and how little I had traveled in my lifetime. He emailed his workout routines to me and provided encouragement in my efforts to be in the best shape of my fifty-plus years. He emailed me links to his company’s drug protocols for a family member of mine who had special needs.
He went silent the day he left for San Francisco but I wasn’t concerned since I knew phone usage was forbidden on flights. He called me after he got into his hotel, but he made it a quick call, noting the time difference he was experiencing and his need to be up and at work in time for an early morning meeting. I was touched that he thought of calling me during his busy schedule. Again, he mentioned that since he was on my side of the world, he might be able to wind things up early and pop up to Nevada for a meet-n-greet and reminded me of the reservation he had made at one of my local hotels.
I was finally going to meet this man I’d been seeing online for a couple of months!
I didn’t hear from him again after that conversation.
I texted him randomly as I went through my day like usual but heard nothing back from him. I expected to hear from him that night but was not alarmed when I received nothing.
“Jet lag,” I thought as I put myself to bed.
The next morning before I poured my coffee, I checked my phone for a text message or any missed call. Nothing. I called him but my call went directly to his voice mail. I texted him something to the effect of, “Hey, I’m starting to get concerned about your silence. Is all okay?”
Hearing nothing in return, I started to examine our phone conversations and texts for any clue I might have missed about him and this disappearance. My common sense set off another warning bell, one I should have listened to.
Five days later he called to apologize for going off the grid and told me that his sister, the one family member he had left in the world, had been in a horrific car accident. He told me that though it had been touch and go for a bit, she was going to make it. He reported that it was not looking as if her husband was going to be so lucky. He said he had gotten the call during his first morning meeting the day after he had arrived in San Francisco and that he had caught the next flight out to Europe. He said he had departed so suddenly that he had left his phone in his office, and his assistant had to courier it to him in Europe. I didn’t know about such things but it rang true. As he gave me details, he sounded so emotional. My heart went out to him as he dealt with the hospital and the couple’s affairs.
Today as I re-read this, I’m like, “Really. You believed that,” but at the time, yes I did.
I do not recall whose idea it was to begin to video chat while he was across the world, but we used one of the free, online video services. The time difference between England and Nevada was a bit daunting to me but we were able to connect a couple times a day while he was there. We developed a daily contact routine. After a couple weeks, he reported that his sister was coming home and that her husband might make it after all, so he finished up some business there and flew back to his home base in New York. We continued our video chats.
I would set my laptop on the kitchen counter while I was at home and often I’d forget that he was there as I concentrated on whatever project I was working on. I’d cook and sometimes his voice would startle me as he asked what I was adding to the dish I was fixing. He researched wireless camera options so that his view was not limited to just a laptop webcam in only one room. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him having that kind of access to my personal life but saw no real harm in it. However, he wanted something that I could take with me so he could see my commute, what I did at work, and how I lived my life. We were continuing to get to know each other as he made plans to once again come out for our first meet.
One day while I was at work, he asked me to take a picture of my new office. This was not an unusual request; I had sent him many random daily photos. I made sure all confidential paperwork I had been working on was secure and put away before I snapped the photo on my phone and sent it to him.
His comment on the photo I sent seemed a bit unusual. Instead of commenting on my office size, the piles of work on my desk, the horrible carpeting, or even the view of the geese on the sidewalks outside my office window, his focus was on the different icons on my computer screen. He asked about what programs I ran on my computer in my line of work, most of which dealt with clients enrolled in government healthcare. Another little warning bell went off, this time loudly.
Meanwhile, he was becoming more insistent about having a wireless camera in my office so he could watch me as I worked. I used the excuse that it was too costly, still feeling like there was something wrong or off with that request. The warning bells turned into foghorns.
He asked for my address so that he could purchase the wireless camera he had found online and have it sent directly to me. I could no longer ignore the uneasiness I felt. I sidestepped the question when I got home that day, I discussed with my girlfriend about how I was feeling about his ongoing quest to have cameras in my office while I worked. She encouraged me to talk to him about it the next time he brought it up.
So then came Saturday, the next time we had a chance to talk. He called to say that he had to go to work.
I put the ‘talk’ I had planned to have with him on a back burner and instead said, “oh, okay, send me some pictures?” just like he’d said to me on so many other occasions.
He told me he would and we hung up just before he jumped onto the subway. About a half hour later, pictures started to arrive via text message. I expected to see selfies of his commute, him at his desk, the building he worked in or at his office, but instead he sent me six to eight pictures of his apartment. As I looked at them, I realized he was a total neat freak. Nothing was out of place at all! I called my girlfriend and laughed about his idea of cleanliness and mine, saying that I’d better do a great job cleaning before he came out to visit. I forwarded the photos to my friend, and we laughed about his tidiness all the while claiming he had such big dogs, of which there was no evidence of.
My friend’s daughter happened to drop by her house as we were checking out the different rooms. She commented that they looked like they had been photo-shopped, so she took one of the photos and generated an internet reverse image search.
What she found left me speechless!
The photos he had sent were from a real estate listing! Every single one of them! And nowhere in our research could we tie the listing to him!
My friend and I were floored. After several months of hearing how much he was passionate about where he lived and the love he had put into it, I was surprised that it was listed for sale. It still didn’t click to me that I was being scammed.
I texted him the link and asked him what it meant. He was shocked and immediately texted me back to ask how I’d found it. I told him I’d shared the photos he’d sent with my friend and she had found them. He was mad that I had shared them with my friend and hemmed and hawed about how he might be selling and looking for a place in the country, and then suddenly he had to hang up.
I tried to call him back, but he didn’t answer.
That was the last time I heard from him; he ghosted me.
I believe now that he had been grooming me to gain access to governmental records or to create a blackmail situation. I had worked for a government agency which I had clearly stated in my dating profile, and he had tailored his profile to fit everything I had said I liked. His desire for live streaming cameras in my office told me that he had been looking for keystroke passwords for the programs I had access to. Thankfully that never happened but I also had a conversation with my boss about what had transpired with this online entity, in case this guy’s next step was to extort me somehow. Also thankfully, that never happened. I cringe even now to think of how much he knew about me, what I did, and where I lived – how much I had put in my profile that could have been so dangerous for me! I researched situations like this and found some sobering reports of online dating nightmares that had started out just like this one, one that had seemed innocuous and innocent of any devious outcome. I simply had given him all of the tools he needed, in my quest to find ‘The One’.
I immediately deleted all my dating profiles and canceled memberships to all dating sites; I didn’t want to find badly enough to go to jail.
People might comment about how I should have been old enough to see what was going on, or mention my naivety, or tell me it was my own fault, but sometimes we want the very thing these scammers claim they have to offer so much that we believe their lies, to the point of danger or financial ruin.
So today, even though I’m married to a wonderful man now, I’m cautious about any online contacts now and if they don’t feel right, I’m listening to my inner self and that tiny little bell.
It has not steered me wrong, if I’ll only listen to it. “IF”
Leave a comment