Church – Is It A Rock or A Hard Place?

I am struggling this morning. Today is Sunday and I want to go to church. Hear the “…BUT…” coming?

I used to go to church. I attended most Sundays and even joined the choir, but this morning I’m trying to remember the last time I stepped foot into one. I think it was just before my back surgery which was about the same time that my mother died, and I’m trying to figure out just why I stopped going. Is it because I feel like my church abandoned me when my mom died, about the same time that I had to have back surgery? Did my church even acknowledge that I was hurting? I remember receiving emails during that dark period of my life that complimented me on what a great job I had done that Sunday, when I hadn’t been at choir practice nor had sung at the services for over six weeks. And after my call to the church to tell them what had happened with my mom and me becoming an invalid, I was swept under the rug. Nobody acknowledged my messages nor called me back, didn’t check on me. And still I got those “thank you” emails. That was in 2007; I think I’ve only been to one service since then, over seventeen years ago.

Do churches get so big that they forget the reason they are there, the purpose they serve? Or are they simply another business who is only in it for the money in the plate? Or am I confused about the purpose, and need to educate myself as to the reason for the existence of a church? Do *I* personally need to attend a service to commune with God?

Lately I’ve been feeling like something is missing, but this morning as I ponder which church to start with, all those old feelings are rushing back into me, and I find myself freaking out at the thought of stepping through the doors. And there is some serious freaking out going on here as the clock hands march closer to the worship hour. I do not feel I can make it out the door this morning, even though I’m in a different town, a different state from the church I used to attend and will be trying on a new church for size, looking for a proper fit. Are there baby steps I can take? Can I put my toe into the pond first, instead of having to jump straight into the ocean again for the first time? And the loss of my mom is hitting me hard, as if I am feeling her death again for the first time.

I’m flying solo on the whole church attendance this morning. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do, and I don’t think any amount of coffee is going to help me through this one.